David son of Jesse

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Saturday 30 October 2010

Mercy; Compassion; Faithfulness...

I am bound in darkness...

The Word of the Lord came by the prophet Nathan. What have I done? Oh my God what have I done? My world lays shattered around me. Oh God what have I done to you? I have sinned against my Lord, against my Lord, against my Lord. No, no, Oh God….

Lord take this pain from me, this feeling of guilt and remorse. Take this stain from me that I might be clean again. remove this sin that causes such pain from me. I feel so much anguish.

If you remove my sin, if you ignore my transgression, if you forget my iniquity, then they will know you are a God filled with mercy, compassion and faithfulness!

But no... I cannot ask for these things from you Lord, they were already mine...

I am so alone... I have been stripped bare of everything and everyone I lean on. I am in such despair... My head, my head is filled with a thousand accusations, the heart of me knows nothingness, not pain nor pleasure, just nothing...

I am so alone... I have committed adultery! I have lied and cheated, and I have murdered!! What have I become? What kind of a man am I that could do these things? Who am I? I have destroyed the very Spirit within me.

I am so alone... I am lost. I welcome death. I cannot speak, I have nothing to say! Who would want to hear the false wisdom that comes from my mouth? I am so easily deceived by my own lust and greed. My own needs and opinions are all that is important to me. Why would anyone be interested in what comes from these lips. What can I say to the Lord?

I am so alone... Never before have I felt this void, this place where only I exist. Is this Sheol? There are people here going about their business, fulfilling their duties. They are talking and laughing, living real lives. Yet I am in an empty existence amongst them. Why am I so alone? Where are you Lord...?

Have mercy on me please Lord, you are my only hope. You are filled with unfailing love; filled with great compassion. Blot out my transgressions. Remove this stain from your sight, For I cannot repay this debt oh Lord.

Wash away all my iniquity and cleanse me from my sin. Declare me clean Lord, that you might look upon me, without seeing my shame.

For I know my transgressions, I know them well! Deep within me they scurried like rats, and they would poison me still but for the word of the Lord, through the prophet Nathan.

My sins are behind me but my sin is always before me. I have defied you Lord, broken your trust and chosen my own path. I come Lord not for forgiveness, but to recognise your majesty. Do with me as you will.

Against you, you only, have I sinned and done what is evil in your sight. I made myself god, I judged without justice, without wisdom. They too would judge with their feelings, but you are proved right when you speak and justified when you judge.

Surely I was sinful at birth, but I did not know it, sinful from the time my mother conceived me, but I did not believe it.

Now I understand Lord, by your grace alone. Surely you desire truth in the deepest part of me, you have taught me wisdom in the inmost place.

Cleanse me with hyssop, and I will be clean; wash me, and I will be whiter than snow. Plunge into the very depths of me. Purge every part of my being.

Let me hear joy and gladness, let the bones you have crushed rejoice. Hide your face from my sins and blot out all my iniquity.

Create in me a pure heart, O God, and renew a steadfast spirit within me. Restore me…

Do not cast me from your presence or take your Holy Spirit from me. Without your Spirit I am a wretch. Without you I have nothing.

Restore to me the joy of your salvation and grant me a willing spirit, to sustain me. Then I will teach transgressors your ways, and sinners will turn back to you.

I drew Uriah into my sin, and in my sin, killed him! Save me from bloodguilt, O God, the God who saves me, and my tongue will sing of your righteousness.

O Lord, open my lips, and my mouth will declare your praise.

You do not delight in sacrifice, or I would bring it; you do not take pleasure in burnt offerings. There is nothing I can do, nothing…

The sacrifices of God are a broken spirit; a broken and contrite heart. I am broken and naked before you, I surrender to you, I submit to you, Lord I am sorry.. O God, you will not despise.

Almost the Dawn

It is finished! He is dead! What an amazing feeling, I am so relieved! Joab did what I asked of him, good man, good man. I could jump for joy, sing and dance, finally it is over!! I almost lost it when the messenger came. I was in a complete daze as he was giving me news, but I almost leap out of my chair with excitement and relief when he told me that the other man was dead. I did manage to contain myself, though it took every fibre of my willpower to do so, and make some flippant remark that these things happen in battle and he should push on and defeat the city. Huh, it was all I could think of!

Now I will be able to rest, and sleep! Oh precious sleep I have been without it for so long. I am so glad this is over, so pleased to remove this weight from my shoulders. God has given me a second chance! He knows where my heart is, that I was only thinking of him and Israel. That is why I am king! I will fast, and sacrifice, and I will marry the woman of course, that is the right thing to do. She is having my baby after all.

Now, I must rest before Nathan visits tonight. I wonder what he wants..?

Friday 29 October 2010

Darkness Descends

I am filled with cold anger. He leaves me no choice. Should I chose him, over the reputation of Israel and its king? I gave him every chance, but he made his decision and disobeyed me!

I have sent him to Joab with a letter, his own death warrant. it says 'Put Uriah in the front line where the fighting is fiercest. Then withdraw from him so he will be struck down and die. I expect your loyalty to be to your king and your confidentiality to be complete. Send me news when it is done. David.'

I am so weary through lack of sleep. Have been laying in bed, tossing and turning, considering every possibility to end this madness. It all just got so messy in such a short space of time. One minute I was out for a walk on the roof, and now...? But this is all part of leadership, sending soldiers to their death. This time doesn't have to be any different. I didn't want to do this. All along I tried to think of alternatives that would suit everyone. Who would have thought he would be so stubborn in his duty? What soldier worth his salt would pass up the chance to sleep with his wife? No, he should have done the right thing. Indeed you could say he dishonoured his wife with such behavior. How must she feel to know he was here but did not share her bed? This is the best way, the only way. Many soldiers die, and he will be dying an honourable death, in battle, a good death for a man. Joab will carry out my instructions, he is a loyal commander. But what if he doesn't? What if Joab rejects my request and lets him live. He would have every right to make this public, inform the man that I intended to kill him. Then my sin and shame would be public, then our enemies would think our Lord and our nation is weak. No Joab is loyal the Lord and Israel, he would never do that! He will know this will go some way to making the piece between us after he killed Abner. No, he will do it.

My head has been so confused lately. It has taken all my willpower to stay focused. It will be over soon, all I have to do now is wait...

Wednesday 27 October 2010

Darkness of the heart!

He didn't go home! Why didn't he go home? He was tired, he has a beautiful wife, was welcomed by his king, I even sent him meat to enjoy. So why didn't he go home! When I asked him he said 'The ark and Israel and Judah are staying in tents, and my master Joab and my lord's men are camped in the open fields. How could I go to my house to eat and drink and lie with my wife? As surely as you live, I will not do such a thing!' So he has to stay with the men, like he is some sort of hero? Damn him! If it is good enough for his king to stay at home then why not him? Does he consider himself better than his king? What gives him the right to mock me, fool of a man! I have fought many battles and killed many men. I have been Gods chosen one for years and been appointed king and leader of Israel! And he mocks me?!

I must get hold of myself! I cannot allow this secret to get out and dishonour God in the eyes of my people and our enemies.

I will throw another party, except this time there will be just Uriah and me. Yes! I will get him drunk, get him off guard, then send him home to the comfort of his beautiful wife. He won't be able to resist such temptation when he is drunk, what man could? Yes this time, this time it will work. Then I will be free...

Tuesday 26 October 2010

Deception...

It's all set! I sent for Uriah and he has come back to the city. It was strange to sit and talk with him. I even had to feign interest in the war to conceal my real reason for calling him back. He knows I am a man of honour and is not suspicious. I can't wait for this to be over, I hate having this hang over me. I know I have transgressed, but this is it, never again will I do anything like this. When Uriah has slept with Bathsheba he will think the child is his, and all will be well again! I want to tell the Lord I am sorry to have sinned. I will confess to Him tomorrow, once this problem has been resolved...

Thursday 21 October 2010

The first solution...

Got news from Bathsheba today that she is pregnant. She insists the child is mine. Bad, bad news! How could I have been so stupid? I don't know what to do. This is going to effect me so badly, and bring shame to Israel! Why has God allowed this to happen to me, have I not been righteous and faithful from my birth? Isn't that why the Lord chose me to be king? One small sin for all this trouble? Others sin so much and suffer no consequences! Yet look at this mess! This is such an injustice. I must not panic, there must be a way I can resolve this. I must think...

Tuesday 19 October 2010

The Battle Within

I have sacrificed to the Lord yet still feel tremendous pain in my gut. Why am I so weak? Yet I did what any man would have done, she is so perfect, perfect for me! Is that the point here? Is that what I am missing? Is she perfect for ME, a beautiful gift from God? But no that can't be right. Oh God help me to make my heart clean. What must I do to know your Spirit? I can do it Lord, I can change back to the man you intended me to be, to stop this now. If only this temptation would stop...

I already miss her so. The way we talked into the night, never struggling for words between us. And when she laughed my heart laughed with her, the sound filling the room like the scent of a precious flower. Her every gesture was exquisite. I feel so close to her that she is already my best friend, my confidant, my love. But it is madness to think this way, to have such feelings, unless they are from God. And why not? I have worked so hard for this nation. So much struggle, so many battles, so much loss, pain, and suffering. I have been loyal to God, I deserve Bathsheba, at least more than Uriah does. Surely God never intended such a gentle beauty to spend even a moment with a brute like him? Is that why I have these feelings, because the Lord wants me to set her free? Is this His work, His plan, that I should be the one to remove such a burden from Bathsheba, become her saviour?

NO! Such action would bring great shame to the nation of Israel. Why should the consequences of my sinful actions cause distress to my people? That would be so wrong, it would be sinful. I will stop this now before anyone finds out. I can do this. I will fast. I will refuse this temptation. I will be righteous again. I have made a mistake that's all, and I can repair it. I am king after all...!

Monday 18 October 2010

Day Three, morning.

Oh my Lord, what have I done. I have sinned greatly with Bathsheba against Uriah. I have allowed my lust to cause me to sin. I must make sacrifice...

Friday 15 October 2010

Day Two continued...

She's here! I look at her as she enters the room and my eyes are filled by the most beautiful site. I look around me and see no reaction from anyone else in the room, as if everything was normal. It was amazing! I wanted to shout 'look everyone, can you not see this incredible creature in our midst?' She does not look to me, but I sense her wanting to. I melt.

What is that connection? Our eyes meet and meet again. Others are talking and laughing, but sound is as if in a far off room. I try to look elsewhere but my eyes are constantly drawn to hers. This is a connection I have never known before. Something changes inside me, my heart, my head, my soul? All of me has been touched. In my mind I can still see those eyes, those beautiful eyes. Is this love? Is this what true love actually feels like? I cannot breath. I have loved before, indeed I have wives that I feel love for, but this connection I have with Bathsheba. I am hers...

Why has the Lord brought this woman into my life? Have I not always served Him well? Have I not always honoured Him? Have I not brought sacrifices to delight Him and bring Him great pleasure? Why would He put such temptation before me?

Oh but she is such a beautiful creature. Her hair is like spun gold and her eyes like magical mirrors that somehow reflect 'her' beauty. Her nose is like one that was made by a master sculptor, and her chin, her chin would sit perfectly on my fingers as I draw her face to mine...

But I cannot, I must not touch her. We talk much, but always there is a silence between us of unspoken intention. I reach across slowly and take her hand, knowing somehow that such a small movement had changed our futures forever. She takes my hand and holds like she will never let go, and I want that moment to last forever.

I hold her hand for an eternity before gently stroking her face. I run my fingers through her hair, it feels like silk on my skin. I am fascinated by this woman, like she is a new creation or a new discovery that no one but me has seen or touched before. I stroke her face gently with the very tips of my fingers. She closes her eyes, I should send her home...

Day Two

Slept very well. I dreamt about that woman. My staff inform me her name is Bathsheba, and she is the wife of Uriah, a fine fighting man! Maybe I should have gone to war with the men instead of sitting around here. They will be planning for battle now. Preparing their weapons, telling bawdy jokes and laughing with each other, all the time praying to the Lord and remembering all He has done for Israel, then their mouths will declare His praise! I miss being with the men. But for now I need to rest, and they are more than capable of victory without me.

I might throw a party tonight…

Wednesday 13 October 2010

Day One

I have finally fulfilled my oath. I have been loyal in my promise to Jonathan and found a place for Mephibosheth in my house. I have given him back the land that is his birthright and have seconded Ziga and his household to tend to Mephibosheth’s affairs. He has nothing to fear.

How difficult have the Ammonites been? I offered the hand of friendship to Hanun, as I did with his father Nahash, only to have him refuse and throw the offer of friendship in my face. I showed them great loyalty, but they insist on war. It is always this way it seems. But I tire of war. The blood, the dirt, the screaming in agony. Do they think I enjoy the killing? Am I a murderer? They tried to humiliate my men, indeed they succeeded when shaving off their beards. And where did they get the idea to cut their clothing? Madness…

But my men were not shamed in the sight of the people on their return, and certainly not when faced with war against the Ammonites and those mercenary dogs the Tob. Joab led them with great bravery and cunning and is proving to be a trustworthy general. How the Lord has blessed Israel with such leaders and warriors! Oh how I enjoyed the later battle and securing a great victory, with death of 700 Aramean charioteers, 40,000 of their foot soldiers, and Shobach their commander. I am suspicious of the Ammonites and their new king, and I know they are of me. Now that the rains have stopped it’s time for battle. Joab will lead my men and the Israelite army well. The Lord has given me victory wherever I have gone, and He will do the same for Joab!

I can’t help but praise God. Israel is so blessed. Never before have we been so rich, strong and united. At last the promise the Lord made to Abraham and to Joshua has borne fruit and our nation extends from the Great Sea to the Euphrates! It is time for me to rest, to have peace. I have longed for this moment when the generals can fight the wars and Jerusalem can know safety. As for me, I have led battles, considered strategies, and thwarted plots to kill me for far too long. War just doesn’t excite me anymore. I need a new challenge now that I am king. For once I will relax and enjoy the peace and tranquility. I am king after all…

Things in Jerusalem just couldn’t be more perfect. The people love the Lord so much that last night they were sacrificing bulls on the altar. Whole bulls sacrificed and burnt! Oh how delighted the Lord must be! It was the manner in which they were sacrificed that touched me. The heart of my people is in the right place, they really are giving thanks to the God that makes them righteous and secure within the walls of Jerusalem. I Love this Kingdom, I love my people, and most of all I love the Lord who has made Zion His chosen people…

I saw a beautiful woman today, bathing on a roof. I wonder who she is…?